Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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