There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Randomize
