When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
