nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
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