he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Randomize
