I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Randomize
