god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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