just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
