My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
