i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
