Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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