Someone shit on the floor
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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