you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
