Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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