her vagina looked like bernie madoff
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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