please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
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