My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Randomize
