Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
