Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
