I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
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