She is in my trunk
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
