mondays should just be called national damage control day
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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