Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Randomize
