The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
