Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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