i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Randomize
