The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
