You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Randomize
