i already hear my dad disowning me
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
