I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
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