my mouth tastes like poor choices
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
