i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
