Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize
