We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
