And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
