Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
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