we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
