i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
