Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Randomize
