u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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