i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
