Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
