I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
