I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
