Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
