I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
