We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
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