I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
