I'm sorry that you just had your first misguided homo experience
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
