cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Randomize
