Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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