Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
