I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
