I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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